First and foremost, I want you to know…
You are not alone.
As much as your addiction has led you to beieve that you are worthless, a lost cause, insecure, incompetant, incapable, unloveable, unable to be forgiven, shameful, and all of the other lies, the fact of the matter is NONE of these are or ever will be true.
Please know that it took me more than just a few day, weeks, or years sober to know that deep within my soul. The truth sometimes can get buried when you are in the midst of the endless cycles of addiction.
And also, let me start by saying that you may be reading this because you have opening admitted to yourself, to your HIgher Power or to somone you love that you have a problem with addiction. Can I say that you are LIGHTYEARS ahead of most folks?! There are millions of people on this planet that struggle with addiction that will never be able to admit to anyone, or themselves that they are struggling and powerless.
So - now that we’ve got that out of the way. The next misconception about addiction is that it all has to look the same. You have to have lost your job, your family, your health, your license, etc. to really have a problem. That is also 1,000% not true. Addiction doesn’t discriminate. Most likely, you walked by 5-10 people today that are struggling that you would never have guessed it from the surface.
Let me be SUPER DUPER clear… I am not preaching to you. This is not a monologue. This is just me speaking (or writing) to the girl (or woman) who doesn’t fully feel seen in her struggle. The girl who doesn’t know if she has what it takes to fully recover. The girl who feels like she may be drowning a bit, not sure if she’ll ever see the other side of things. To the girl who has had recovery, went back to old behaviors, and realizing that recovery actually is the best choice. To that girl, I want you to know I’m am her too.
I speak from experience. The words on this page haven’t been copied and pasted from some textbook about how to overcome addiction. The only folks who have come close to understanding how to do so are Dr. Bob and Bill in the 1940’s. (AA’s founders)
No, these are words that come from my heart..knowing that there are so many others who struggle with this disease who feel like they don’t have a voice. I’ve been there! Heck, I’m 10 1/2 years sober and I still find myself playing small, thinking “oh, no one wants to hear from me..they won’t be able to relate, my struggles aren’t as bad as others, so who am I?” All of those limiting beliefs are not serving me or anyone else.
So, I have decided to put myself out there in hopes that you feel supported, lifted up, and most importantly that you find HOPE that you too can recover.
What I know for sure about addiction: (*channels inner Oprah*)
It is NOT linear. And it can look messy at times. Alright, this is something that folks in early recovery tend to not realize and then they get let down after the ‘pink cloud’ wears off because they thought (and I did too!) that just because they’re sober, or have stopped doing the addictive behavior, that it can only go up from there! This is true. But life happens! We have things that happen in our lives that we have never encountered that require a whole new set of tools. Which can be scary, and challenging. During those times, we naturally turn to old behaviors to feel ‘in control’ admist the chaos. Slips, lapses, and relapses are a part of recovery. That’s just a part of the journey! I wish someone told me that early on, because it would have lessoned the embarrassment and shame that comes along with not doing this recovery thing perfect. Let yourself off the hook! You can always get back on the wagon!
We all have some kind of addiction (or vice, or ‘thing’) - yep, all of us! If you’re human, you have wanted to escape from someone at one point in your life. Knowing this has made me feel so much less alone. And the fact that I have chosen to live in recovery, digging throug the muck and going into the darkness in order to bring it into the light is such a brave and noble thing! So many people live thier entire life never overcoming thier addiction. Hitting my ‘bottom’ was the best thing that could have happened because it made me realize how badly I want to live in the opposite direction! Contrast is a blessing. And just becuase you are in active recovery does not mean something is wrong with you. In fact you are BLESSED.
You won’t be able to change overnight. And just getting sober won’t keep you sober. As much as I know this to be true, I still struggle with it on a regular basis. I hold myself to a higher standard because I’m sober, that’s really tough, ya know?! (eye roll) For an addict to get sober, that requires an immense amount of courage, faith, trust, and surrender. And to stay sober.. that’s an even harder challenge. I have met a handful of folks (outisde of AA) who are in awe of the fact that I’m sober. But the truth is, yes, I’m proud of my 10 1/2 years of sobriety…it’s like GOLD to me. But that’s not enough for me to live happy, joyous and free. It’s a great start. But in order to stay on the straight and narrow and living my best life, it requires doing the hard deep work. I highly recommend therapy (all types: talk, family, relationship, trauma healing, reiki, nuerofeedback, EFT tapping, Splankna, PSYCH-K, etc) Get to the root, forgive yourself and others. Feel the feelings, yes - the ugly feelings that addiction tries to numb. And then you’ll start to see the love and light all around you!
Doing the next right thing is all you have control over. Plus your attitude and perspective! There are SO many things in this world that we have zero control over. Once I realized that I truly cannot control my external environment (esp. other people) I found so much relief and peace. Much of my addiction was rooted in the crazy idea that I thought I could control things that were completely out of my control. What empowers me is knowing that I can control my actions, beliefs and attitude. And that alone is enough!
Faith in a Higher Power can and will save your life! And make daily life much more enjoyable. This is the first step is admitting that we are powerless and that our lives have become unmanageable. The second step is believing there is a power greater than ourselves. Thankfully, I grew up going to church (on Easter and Christmas Eve) and the seed was planted that there is a God, that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and there is a Heaven and Hell. In some of my darkest times, I always knew there was someone or something else in charge of this Universe. When I finally surrendered to this Power greater than myself, I realized He was the only thing that could break the chains that my addiction created. Each day that passes, I am reminded of His immense GRACE, forgiveness, mercy and love that he so freely gives to each one of us, no matter what. Praise the Lord!
I want you to know…
You are worthy.
You are loved.
You are forgiven.
Your life matters.
You are here for a reason
You have so much to offer this world.
You are ENOUGH!
Sending you So much love and light!
Yours Truly,
Gretchen
P.S. If you’re curious about how to recover, I’m always an email away! It would be my honor to help point you in the right direction. I know I wouldn’t be here today if someone hadn’t done the same for me. Check out these resources as well. And if you’re not ready just yet, that’s okay…just know that we will always be here waiting for you with open arms!
