Finding Beauty & Strength in Your Scars

If you have lived long enough you probably have a memorable scar. You may even have multiple with a crazy, silly, or unbelievable story associated with them. Some of you may even have a scar that you wish you could get rid of and not ever think about ever again. The reasons of wanting to rid of them may vary: it may be discolored or a oddly shaped, it may be in a noticable place, it may remind you of something you wish you could forget. Ultimately, your scar(s) makes you feel INSECURE, less than, embarrassed, shameful, etc.

Side note: To those of you who somehow have skimmed through life without ANY bumps, bruises or scars - honestly, you’d have to live in a bubble to not have one scar - you probably have emotional scars that no one can see. With every hard life experience, there is always a scar that reminds us of what we have been through and ultimately OVERCOME!

To those of you who do relate to having physical scars, I hope this post helps you feel a little less alone and ultimately empowered by your imperfections instead of feeling less than, insecure, or unworthy because of them.

my scar Story

Now that I have you thinking about that scar you possess, you may be replaying how it happened in your head. That right there is your ‘scar story.’ What kind of story does it tell? Is it a story of hope? It is a story that makes people laugh or cry? How do you tell the story to people who see your scar and ask about it? Are you confident or ashamed?

Do you ever wonder why people ask you about your scar? Before I came to love and accept my scars, I would get so upset when people would ask me about about my scars. I would pause before answering thinking, “Why do you want to know? Are you trying to make me feel small or insecure? Geez, some couarge you have!” I would answer them with a quick answer and usually my face would turn red because of the shame and embarrassment that would rush over me. Now that I have come to peace with my scars and the stories they represent, my answer looks a little different:

Them: “Oh wow - what happened to your arm?”

Me: “Oh, I had a car accident a few years ago.

Them: “Oh gosh.. etc. etc. (these responses can vary)

Me: “Yeah, it’s discolored because that’s asphalt still in there! haha Can you believe that’s the only thing that I walked away with?!”

Them: “Oh wow!” …if they are curious about the accident or have had a similar experience I will then decide if I want to elaborate on what happened and what I learned.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Please protect yourself. Don’t share with someone you don’t know all of the details of your tramatic or tragic experience. If you haven’t done the internal work yet, it’s important that you keep this brief, positive, upbeat, and expressing gratitude for your scar, then changing the subject. If not, you could walk away from the interaction feeling more emotionally scarred.

However, if you have a God-intervention experience, like I have, AND you have practiced healthy boundaries, then you can decide if you want to share your testimony with that person. I have found that sharing how my accident (or my other scar stories) helped me completely change my life around, fully surrender to God, and how I somehow escaped a near-fatal car accident with a crazy looking scar on my forearm, only helps bring me closer and connect with the other person. However, your reactions and responses may vary, so remember, those reactions have nothing to do with you or your scar story - they have everything to do with the other person and thier own insecurities.

My other significant scars that have shown me how powerful God is, how much strengh I have, and how incredible my body is - that I am sometimes asked about - include:

• 2 inch scar on my right leg behind my knee from melanoma in-situ removal (this scar motivated and inspired me to change careers and move back to Nashville to work in corporate wellness)

• 2 inch scar in the middle of my upper back from pre-cancerous mole removal (inspired me to no longer lay out in the sun without strong sunscreen/protection!)

• 1 inch scar on right shoulder from pre-cancerous mole removal (inspired me stop going to the tanning bed)

• internal scar tissue on C6-C7 spinal cord disc that continues to heal (motivated me to take care of my body and to treat it gently and kindly. Great reminder that we only have one body for our entire life! No more crazy acrobatic workouts in the gym or super heavy lifting and more yoga, stretching, therapuetic exercises)

• 1 cm scar on left wrist where a peice of windshield was lodged from car accident (the most painful but a funny story… feel free to ask me about it sometime!)

…And I’m extremely grateful for each and every one of them!

The significance of your scar story

All of us have a testimony from our scars. Whether it was a childhood experience, that one time in college, that freak thing that came out of no where that we had zero control over. The experiences we may have been able to prevent, but nevertheless, they happened for a reason. The reasons and lessons I have learned from each one of my scars:

• To stay humble

• To remember I’m not bulletproof or invincable (to be careful!)

• I’m not in control

• My life has a purpose and everything I overcome can and does help others

• My body is incredibly resilient (and so is my heart)

finding beauty in your scars

The truth is, your scar helps others to see VISABLY that you have lived life. That you have gone out there and risked getting a little flesh wound to LIVE life to the fullest! That you’ve overcome something uncomfortable and painful and they have added character!

Another important truth: We are all broken (and scarred). There is brokenness in the physical sense that sometimes requires surgery. But there is also a universal spiritual brokenness that always requires surgery and healing of the soul, that only by surrendering to God can provide.

Scars not only tell the story of past wounds; scars tell the story of healing. For if there were no scar, there would be no healing. A wound that was once open has now closed. Healing has taken place and has left its mark as a scar.

Whenever I find myself wishing my scars away, I remember that Jesus bore scars on His resurrected body. It was through His scars that the disciples believed in His resurrection. When Jesus first appeared to His disciples in a resurrected body, “He showed them the wounds in His hands and His side.” When the disciples saw these wounds, “…they were filled with joy when they saw the Lord!” (John 20: 20).

It takes time…As I mentinoned above, the scar on my left arm with the lovely black, purple, red, pink discoloration and funky shape took me about two years to fully accept and love. I spent hard-earned money on laser treatments (that I think may have helped but really didn’t work!), expensive makeup (that takes forever to apply and rubs off on my clothing!) I even have given serious consideration to covering it up with a salamander tatoo! (thanks for the recommendation, Dad! hehe)

Helpful self-love practices: In order to find the acceptance, love and beauty in my scars, I spend time doing the following self-love practices that you may find help you do the same:

• Spend time in the shower and in front of the mirror telling my scars how beautiful they are (out loud)

• Kiss and massage your scars (essentail oils, vitamin E gel and other scar creams may be useful)

• Thank them for protecting you and healing that part of your body. (out loud) It’s amazing how much your energy will shift if you take time to actually love on your body.

• I will also think about how strong I am in my meditations because of those experiences. Thanking God for the miracle of healing!

• Find supportive people who love you because of how much you’ve been through and who also have scars that they have come to accept and love

embracing your scars fully

Embracing your scars means being able to walk confidently and hold your head high when someone asks you about the story behind them. (I cannot reiterate enough how important it is for you to discern how and with whom you want to share your scar story.) Finding the confidence to share your story will take practice. You’re going to stumble the first few times. But be easy on yourself and give yourself grace. Your body has given you grace just by HEALING, so practice that same grace with yourself.

The bottom line: You are beautiful because of your imperfections. Owning them fully only makes you that much more beautiful and REAL. In this fake, image-obsessed world that we live in, seeing a physical scar is incredibly refreshing and draws me closer to the person that I can see isn’t ‘perfect.’

Love on your scars today…they are a beautiful reminder of what you’re made of!

Your Purpose is in Your Pain

I bet you haven't stared at the doctor who has a big needle in his hands and thought, "Oh - this is what it's all about, I'm supposed to be here, going through this difficult time because it's going to make me a better person." I highly doubt you've watched or driven past a car accident or stood outside of your own car wrecked to pieces and thought "Wow, this is all for my good! This is God's way of saying, I love you! I see you and you are here for a reason. This is my call to you, yes, it's painful because this is the only way I could get your attention. And now that I have your attention, I want you to know how much I love you. How much I want to use you to help others." 

If you've had any tragic, traumatic, or painfully difficult experiences in your life, you may be able to shake your head "YES!" in conviction to that statement. Or you may be thinking, "What new green juice is Gretchen drinking because it's gone to her head, annnnd she's lost it!" 

The past few months have been extremely painful. Physically, emotionally, and somewhat challenging spiritually. Mostly, looking back, my faith has grown tremendously and I've never felt closer to God than I do at this very moment.

You may not know my entire life story.. but if you know pieces of it, then you know that I have been through trials, tests, errors and pretty difficult circumstances. Most of them though, I have put myself through. They have been consequences of poor decisions. Those on the outside witnessing and who don't fully understand addiction usually just point their fingers, whisper to their friends and family, and stay away from you like the plague. 

Those who do have compassion for those struggling with addiction may be thinking, "But Gretchen, you've been through some really tough stuff, what could possibly have been more devastating than having to go to treatment three times, withdraw from college three times, live in a halfway house, do jail time, and not to mention the physical pain you overcame in the years of your anorexia and bulimia?" Great question. The longer I am in recovery and the more I come to understand and live in the world without numbing out and actually feel things, the more I truly grasp the depth of God in my life and in my soul. The difficulties and struggles just seem to touch me in a deeper place than before. I cry when I see dogs on Netflix for gosh's sakes! I guess you could say, I continue to get more in touch with my emotions the longer that I am sober. I feel things, very deeply. I guess that's what happens when you're finally present and in tune with yourself and the world around you. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to live that vulnerably. But I strive to do it every single day.

So.. what has happened the past few months that has caused me to have this epiphany and yet another come-to-Jesus moment?! Well, I had a mishap at a chiropractic appointment that ended up pinching a nerve in my neck that felt like I was literally going to die! Dramatic, I know. But honestly, I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy. I've learned quite a lot after experiencing what I later found out to be a herniated C6-C7 injury and I have felt it heavy on my heart to share those lessons with you. 

For those that don't know, I was in a car accident in October 2016. It was the day after my grandmother's passing. I had reached for my phone, after zero sleep the night before, and before I knew it I had hit a cement wall going 65 mph, twice, and rolled my car. I walked away from that accident with a skinned arm, but luckily (by the grace of God) nothing else seemed to have been out of place. However, the doctor thinks that my neck may have been a little injured and it hadn't caught up until the recent chiropractic mishap. 

We need connection.

Three months ago, I was spending ALL of my energy running around as fast as I could to jobs, gyms, coffee shops, grocery stores, etc. never spending a minute to just be still and rest. I was working a full-time and part-time job, working out like a mad-woman every day, trying to hustle with Instagram on the side, and yet - I would lay down at night and have the most intense anxiety, wondering why I was feeling so overwhelmed. I had convinced myself that I had it all together, and I'm sure many of you thought the same. A quick smiling selfie on Snapchat sent the message to the world that "I've got this..look at how happy I am!" When deep down, I was lost, broken and unfulfilled.  In the darkest days of my addiction, I was doing the exact same thing. Running around town from bar to bar and house party to house party - and then wondering why I was waking up the next morning feeling so empty and depressed. It's a lot easier to cover up these dark feelings when you have a good job, a reliable car, and nice apartment and food in the fridge. Plus, even if I wanted to ask for help or cry out in surrender, I was afraid that people would say, "My gosh, Gretchen! What do you have to complain about?! Look at your life! You should be more grateful, etc. etc." So the shame continued to push me through the whispers and nudges that God was sending to slow me down. I would notice them, and justify my workaholic behavior. "But God, I have credit cards to pay off! I have student loans to pay, I have people that need me!" If only I could stop for a second to hear the grace and love that God wanted me to feel. 

Humility is a virtue.

Up until three months ago, when things got tough, when I felt overwhelmed, or my emotions began to rise up and the knot in my throat would start to swell, the first thing I would do was lace up my trainers, grab my rap music and hit the gym. The gym was my savior in early recovery. It was my church, my therapy, my fellowship. It gave me the high and peace that the drugs and alcohol gave me. Plus, I've always been competitive. There's no doubt in mind that I kicked my twin brother around in my mother's womb so that I could come out first! I've always strived to be the best, the first, the star! Therapy has helped me tame my competitive nature so that is serves me. But, there are still times when I know better and my competitive side rears it's ugly head and gets the best of me. (For ex: going to the gym after an incredibly exhausting day and then doing acrobatic jumps and swings in the gym that I have no business doing!) When the doctor came back in the room after reviewing my MRI and x-rays, the words out of his mouth were, "No wonder you feel the way you do! You're not going to like what I have to say." I thought "Oh, I'm okay - I'm tough, I'm sure it's not that big of a deal. I'll be back in the gym next week. I mean.. I was at hot yoga two weeks after my car accident!" Well, the truth was.. I was not in control. Spinal cord injuries are NOTHING to be messed with. The injury I was experiencing started to affect my bowels, my nervous system, my eyesight - it was no laughing matter. My hands were tied. I was at the mercy of the doctors, the physical therapists and God's grace.

I have surrendered in the past. Granted, I was forced to surrender. Two DUI's back to back pretty much keeps you from doing what you want to do. However, my spirit still fought to take back the reins. I know now that the message that God was helping me to finally understand is that I now longer have to prove myself or kill myself to keep striving to be the best. All I need to do is let go and let God take over - completely.

I remember sitting in the physical therapy waiting room after the doctor told me to sit and rest as much as possible and that the symptoms may last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, and that surgery may have to be considered, balling my eyes out. Probably the hardest I've cried in a very long time. I was embarrassed and felt more vulnerable than ever. I was using every ounce of my energy to hold back the tears. "Gretchen, you've been through way worse. You're going to be okay, why are you crying?!" And honestly, I knew in my gut that everything was going to be okay, it was baffling why the tears just KEPT coming. I took me weeks to finally understand where all of those tears were coming from. But then like a message from God, a question came out of nowhere when sitting in traffic, "Who are you without weightlifting? Who are you without the gym? Who are you and why are you here? Despite facing death three times in thirty years, there has GOT to be a bigger plan than just getting sweaty and eating healthy every day." That was it! Sitting in that waiting room, I didn't realize it at the time but I was having of an identity crisis. And what a large pill to swallow. When you think you have your life exactly as it supposed to be, you think you're doing the right things, then God shows up and says, "Yeah, remember those whispers? You weren't listening. So now that I have your attention, look up and follow me. I've got you, girl. I will always have your back. I will always provide, just trust me." So I left that PT session and barely even recognized myself. I felt lighter and freer than I've ever felt (yes, even more than the day I was let out of jail!) It was as if God had finally placed on my heart and it finally sunk in that I AM ENOUGH. Just as I am. 

Grace is magical.

If you asked me three months ago if I had felt God's grace in my life, I would've said, "of course! I get really close parking spots at Whole Foods all the time!" But the grace that I have felt the past three months. The moments of utter fear that my body wouldn't be able to heal itself. The moments of loneliness and solitude when my routines had completely been dismembered and I was forced to finally listen to the silence. But I think the main lesson is all of this is that once I fully surrendered, I began to feel more ALIVE, FULL and ENERGIZED than I've felt in years! The past three months have been filled with more love, joy, laughter, connection, service and contentment that I've felt since I was a child. There are some days when I truly feel like I'm 10 years old again! Almost like it's finally my chance to be God's hands and feet and eyes and ears. He has saved me countless times and I never allowed myself to feel saved. I still felt as if I was lacking, not good enough, 'lucky' and now I know, I am saved because my purpose on this life is not to be in control but to fully be OF service to others in all walks of life. I've learned that I can't serve others when I'm constantly spending my energy on proving and striving. I have everything that I need. After finally realizing this truth, I have began to live from a place where my love and compassion give me the highest high. No drug, drink, or exercise session will ever be able to live up to the feeling of fully being connected to a power greater than me and letting that be the source of my strength.   

The truth is.. ALL difficult and painful experiences are here to make us stronger and mature us in ways that we can not possibly do on our own. They are here to teach us and to help us grow. I'm so incredibly grateful I'm here to share these lessons with you and can't wait to see what the future has in store! I hope this gives you the confidence to let go of your inner struggle and trust that He will never fail you. Ever.

With overwhelming love and hands lifted...

xoxo Gretchen