so·bri·e·ty noun
the state of being sober.
the quality of being staid or solemn.
synonyms: seriousness, solemnness, solemnity, thoughtfulness, gravity, graveness, sombreness, severity, earnestness, sedateness, staidness, dignity, dignified demeanor, steadiness, level-headedness, serious-mindedness, common sense, pragmatism, practicality, practicalness, self-control, self-restraint, conservatism, strictness
The definition of sobriety isn’t very glamorous. It’s definitely not sexy or promoted by society. Being sober, based on Webster’s definition is actually quite boring. The image that comes to mind is that of a quiet, homely, sad person lacking confidence, joy, gusto, or anything enjoyable. When in reality, sobriety has added the latter and SO much more to my life! My life as an active drinker was far from solemn and overtly lacking self-control. It was quite a wild ride! Not something I would wish upon anyone at the ripe age of 21.
But looking back over the entire journey..from my first drunk at age 21 to picking up my 10 year chip yesterday, every high and low, every moment of utter fear to feeling unstoppable and full of life..there were lessons that I would have never learned had I not entered into my first AA meeting, surrendering my life to the will of God and admitting I am powerless. I’d like share some of these lessons with you in hopes that you can relate in one way or another. And if not, then I hope they save you from having to turn your life on it’s head just know realize at the end of the day, you are SO worthy, SO loved, and SO enough.
10 years ago…
My life looked a LOT different. Just returning home from in an intensive eating disorder recovery center a year prior. During my stay in treatment, I was literally fighting for my life physically and mentally due to the severity of my anorexia. Thankfully, I had put on weight, but I wasn’t able to do the deeper healing that I needed due to having to leave treatment early because of lack of insurance coverage. I turned 21 and remember being upset over the fact that my clothes were fitting tighter and as a way to cheer me up, my peers said, “Hey G - it’s your 21st birthday, why don’t you get a fruity vodka drink and stop worrying so much!” I had never been a big drinker. Due to the fact that growing up, I was told alcoholism ran in my family and how - due to my addictive tendencies - it would most likely be a problem for me. I took a sip of a Sea Breeze, and my eating disorder was a thing of the past. I had found my new love! I was able to finally escape from the world and actually feel confident, no matter what size my pants were! I finally felt “normal” and accepted when I was drinking.
The ‘glory days’ lasted only a few short months. I was quickly feeling the effects of binge drinking. But not like all of my peers. Everyone else was drinking the same amount but they were functioning much better. They didn’t obsess as much as I did about when we were going to drink again. They went to class, I hung out at the bar. At 21, it was easy to hide that I had a problem with alcohol. Until.. it wasn’t.
Thirsty Thursday’s didn’t do for me. I needed a reason to drink every night of the week. And that still wasn’t enough! Getting kicked out of several bars, I was down to drinking first thing in the morning and switching from hard liquor to wine, because that seemed more acceptable. A few months prior, I was the life of the party. But quickly, I was drinking alone, unemployed, withdrawn from school. Not sure where to go next, I just knew I didn’t want to be sober.
A series of consequences took hold and I was quickly forced to look at my drinking problem. Looking back, my drinking career was only 11 months. But the amount of pain that was endured made me realize, I may have a problem with alcohol!
By the grace of God, I am able to sit here today and not crave a drop of alcohol. I haven’t had a craving in order 9 years! However, I have to make a daily decision to place my recovery before anything else
I am not God (or in control or all-knowing)
Well.. seems obvious, right? However, at age 21, I thought I was in control of everything and everyone. I relied on myself most of my childhood and adolescence that I never stopped to think that I may not be in control of my life. Once things got tough, I realized.. because of trying to control everything, my life has become completely unmanageable. The most courageous thing I’ve ever done is to admit that I am not in control and ultimately, I am powerless over addictive substances, others behavior, and really the world around me. All I have control over is how I show up in the world, my attitude, my perspective, how grateful I am in any given moment and how I choose to react to situations and people that I encounter. Once I let go and let God take control, things suddenly became 1,000 times easier, and almost effortless. My needs began to be met and life slowly but surely began falling into place. Surrendering to a Higher Power is not a sign of weakness but rather very empowering. This applies to not just addiction but everyday life! For example, I have to just say out loud “I’m in traffic right now,” instead of reacting and thinking I can control the cars not moving around me.
Personal growth is essential to living a happy + abundant life
After being sober for a year or so, I became obsessed with personal development. I noticed how just changing what I drank made such a positive difference that I wanted to see what else I could try and change or tweak that would help me feel even better! I’ve learned over the years that you can actually become addicted to personal growth as well. There is a healthy balance. I have always loved reading about how to level up my thinking, beliefs and habits. But ultimately, it’s a matter of just taking responsibility for my life. Once I realized I had to take full ownership of every decision and action I made, the game changed! (for the better) Instead of setting unrealistic goals, I try to set monthly or quarterly intentions and not be so hard on myself. Sometimes you have to slow down to speed up!
All pain + healing starts at the root
I think I have a black belt in therapy. Is that a thing?! I’m making it a thing! I’ve sat in front of a plethora of therapists, healers, gurus, teachers, etc. and no matter how many hours I spend telling them my problems, one thing rings true - everything stems from something else. And, everything is connected! If I have an issue with someone, most likely it’s triggering something inside of me that I haven’t healed. There is always an underlying reason we choose to act the way we do. I’ve found that you can drive yourself crazy asking yourself “Why” but if you’ve never asked yourself why you do the things you do, it' may be worth asking. Do a little digging. You may be surprised to find out that we are all very similar. We all have the same root insecurities and fears. They just may manifest in different ways. I challenge you to do the work if you’ve never looked at what may be making you miserable. Instead of baindaiding the issue with work, sex, alcohol, shopping, etc. Have courage to find out what you may be running from. (I highly recommend not doing this on your own! If you need assistance finding a therapist, please reach out!)
Alcoholism (addiction) is a progressive + cunning + baffling disease
The lesson that took me the longest to learn…yep! Talk about humbling. I tried to do this recovery thing by myself for 8 years! The first two years I did everything that I was told. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, work the steps, be honest, sit down and shut up! I was scared and didn’t ever want to go back to where I was. But once I starting getting a little time under my belt, I thought I had it all figured out. I wanted to go back to normal life. No need for these ‘consequences.’ When in reality, those consequences were saving my life. They were like a financial investment for a rainy day that I was hoping would never come! After 8 years of not investing into that account, my lifeblood ran dry and I found myself in a very scary, dark, desperate place. I learned THIS year - 10 years sober - that I have to treat this disease like someone with cancer or diabetes would treat their disease.
I am my best guru
Naturally, when you’re hurting, you want to find the medicine that will fix it. Fast! But sometimes, the best and most important healing doesn’t from a medicine cabinet or therapy session, or workout, or sauna, or green juice! It comes from deep within your soul. Once I realized this, I finally understood how important Steps 1, 2, and 3 are to my sobriety and recovery.
Be where your feet are
This is in the top three lessons learned! It’s very important for me to remember that I can only do what I can with what’s right in front of me in this moment. Any feeling of anxiety, fear, depression is because I’m either living in the past or the future. All of the pressure falls off once I just accept where I am in this moment, NOW. And then do the next right thing. It’s really as simple as that. A lot of my struggles in recovery has stemmed from wanting to never really feel. If I started getting tears in my eyes, I would immediately grab my phone and scroll through Instagram or go workout. That actually was doing me SUCH a disservice. Once I started sitting in the emotion, good bad or indifferent, I realized how much more power I have to change things. The saying is 100% true, ‘you gotta feel it to heal it!’ As ugly as it might be, tears are the best therapy you can give yourself!
Worth comes from within
Just as healing comes from within, your worth is also not hiding in something outside of yourself. We all have seen this… the Jones’ have a trillion dollars, the mansion, boat, vacation home, trophy wife/husband, anything money can buy and are so so miserable. Why? Because they’ve been trying to fill a void that can never be filled from outside of themselves. I am a recovering alcoholic but I am also a recovering co-dependent and people pleaser. Talk about trying to find worth from outside! My recovery includes not drinking and working the steps, but also saying “no” on a regular basis and setting clear boundaries with others. Knowing that I am enough just because I am here and I’m a child of God! Not because I do everything for others or put myself last in order to feel appreciated, loved, adored, etc by others. I work on this daily! Positive affirmations, journaling, and prayer are really helpful in building this belief.
Taking ownership and responsibility of my life is the first step to freedom
Freedom is not in having everything look perfect but instead in deep surrendering and letting go. Once I realized, deep within my soul, that the only way I could change was by fully accepting that whatever was happening in my life was because of ME, MYSELF and I - that’s when the magic started happening! I no longer had to search externally for the magic pill, or perfect person to save me. I just had to fully accept that I am responsible for my life. I let go of blaming, defending and proving and instead starting doing the next right thing! One day at a time.
Gratitude + Forgiveness are your super powers
Seriously, you will become SUPER human if you harness the power of gratitude and forgiveness. When I’m feeling out of control, afraid, unsure, apprehensive, frustrated, bitter, or really any unpleasant feeling - I stop in my tracks and think about at least three things I’m grateful for in that moment. It can be as simple as thanking God for the breath in my lungs, or the fact that I have all of my limbs, that I have a car to drive, healthy food in my fridge - the basics. It truly changes my entire perspective and my mood is lifted 10x. Perspective is everything. If we view our world out of the lens of lack, we will be miserable. But if we choose to see how many amazing blessings we have right here in the moment, you will notice such a huge shift in what comes into your life and you’ll feel incredible!
Forgiveness is a virtue that takes a little bit more effort. And one that I have to work on daily. Forgiving others for the fact that they are HUMAN. It is very true..that forgiveness gives us more freedom than anything else. Once I began to forgive myself for my mistakes, knowing that God loves me no matter what, it became much easier to forgive others. Knowing that we are all in this together. Forgiveness breeds compassion as well. I have learned to have compassion for others that I may not fully understand, agree with, or down right don’t like! I have compassion because I know we all have our faults, struggles, and insecurities that may manifest in ways that are not pleasant. I truly believe that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.
Recovery requires a village
I can’t do this alone. Period! The 8 years that I was trying to sponsor myself made me realize that trying to stay sober (and not a dry drunk) requires support. I’m extremely grateful that I have a very strong relationship with my Higher Power. However, there are times when I need an actual human being there to talk to, get a hug from, and just cry on their shoulder. Once I humbled myself to realize that I really do need AA as a part of my lifestyle on a weekly basis, I allowed others - just like me - to be there for me in a way that I’ve never really allowed before. Being able to receive the love from people who have literally been exactly where I’ve been is the best feeling in the world! Trying to be tough and white-knuckling recovery is not tough at all! It’s actually very risky and pretty dang miserable. I’ve found such a positive and fun group of people that feel like family to me in AA and other recovery fellowship groups. I can let my hair down with them and not feel judged or misunderstood. I am also a huge supporter of getting outside help. I have found deep healing and recovery in CBT therapy, splankna therapy, acupuncture, yoga, massage, reiki energy healing, and psychiatry. If you have any questions about where to start in regard to finding a therapist or other healers, please let me know!
Bonus Lessons:
I’m sober, not boring!
It’s 2019, and yet it’s still taboo to NOT drink. Thankfully, there are more and more groups of people in the wellness industry that are beginning to see there are physical, emotional and spiritual benefits to being sober. This new #sobercurious movement is slowly taking off, which makes me very happy. I can’t wait to see more restaurants add Mocktails to their drink menu. Just because I’m sober, that doesn’t mean I won’t be enjoying myself . I’m actually a heck of a lot more fun sober than drunk! Trust me.
Empathy for others is reached on a totally new level when you’ve experienced hardship
When you yourself have had your you know what handed to you on a platter, and have had to crawl before you could walk.. coming face to face with the fact that the way you were living your life was completely unmanageable, will give you a whole new level of empathy and understanding when you witness others going through difficulties. When I pass homeless people on the street, I try to always say a prayer and utter “By the grace of God, there go I.” When I hear about people who are going through health scares or setbacks, my heart goes out to them. When I hear that fellow recovering alcoholics go back out, it breaks my heart. I also know that my well-being will only help serve others. So the healthier I am, the healthier we are as a collective. Being a light and doing what I can to serve, lift others up and just hold space for others who are struggling is enough! And can make a world of a difference. I’m grateful for those who did the same for me.
Mindfulness of my choices has improved my life 10-fold
Taking a step back before making a choice or decision and asking myself, “Do I really need this right now? Is this important for my healing/growth/development? Am I trying to prove, hide or defend by making this choice?” makes all of the difference in the world. And no, I am absolutely not perfect at this! It is truly a daily practice that I have to put in place every single day. Meditation has been very helpful with harnessing this habit. And the realization that when something is urgent - it’s most likely not important.
You do you!
Being an alcoholic is not a handicap. It doesn’t mean I can’t go to a restaurant or bar and enjoy myself. If you can drink like a normal person, hat’s off to you! But please don’y pity, or judge or condemn someone that chooses to not drink alcohol. Thankfully, with age and maturity, this is less and less of an issue. But most (all) of my twenties, I was having to come up with silly explanations and reasons why I wasn’t drinking. Today, I am more confident in that than anything else! The fact that I don’t drink gives me life, love, happiness, financial security, joy, peace, and the life I always wanted! And if we ever go to dinner together, please drink your normal one or two drinks…like you usually would. It makes me feel super awkward when others withhold from being themselves just to make me feel less awkward. I’d much rather you do you! And I’ll do me! :)
I hope by sharing some of these powerful lessons that you’re able to glean a little insight into my recovery and why it’s so near and dear to my heart. It’s a part of my resume, it' doesn’t define me. However, I am fully confident and proud when I raise my hand and say, “My name is Gretchen and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.”
If you have questions about Alcoholics Anonymous, check out this site here. If you’re in Nashville and interested in joining me at a meeting (AA, Alanon, ACA, EDA, CODA), I’d love to have you join me! Send me a note and we can chat!
